By Marcos Antonio
I was 14 years old the first time I had really told anyone about the attraction I was feeling toward other guys. I told my friend that I was “bisexual”, revealed it to her through this anonymous gay affiliated website. She accepted me, and I had begun to accept it as well, though not fully. My family then, one would say was quite ”religious”- but then not so religious. I grew up with a form of Christianity; I learned to pray, believe in God and infrequently attend church. When I began to accept the fact that I had these desires for men in me, I instinctively knew they were wrong. There was no one person in my life who really beat me in the head with a Bible, it was a truth I personally felt and knew it went against God. Because I was afraid, I chose not to speak about it. Which really hurt a lot more then the thought I had of protecting myself by not speaking, later on in life. So I confided in a few friends about it, but obviously with my outrageous actions, it was quite obvious what others identified me as. Whether it was in school or a stranger on the street, and also from home. From 14 to my late 16′s, I pushed myself in and out of the Christian faith to dabble into the typical high school party scene. I knew it was wrong for myself, but I didn’t really care. I didn’t care about God, Jesus Christ, or anyone, just me.
When I turned 17, my senior year, I decided to make a decision to fully live out a true Christian life, so I stopped doing all that I used to do. I began to read the Bible on fair occasions, go to a local church, youth Bible studies, and even hang with other professed Christians at the youth pastors house for another small Bible study. I thought I was a really good kid, but inwardly and secretly, I was a complete hypocrite. I gossiped about friends, tore them down inwardly and outwardly with my words, I didn’t have a real heart for anyone but for myself, I was a really jacked up friend. I struggled sexual thoughts of other men in my head, and I gave into them through masturbation and pornography. There were things in my life that I knew God was calling me to let go of, the music I listened to specifically, tv shows I watched, but I ignored Him. I wanted to just do what I wanted. Through the struggle with an attraction towards other guys, i would pray for God to take them away, so i could fully live a heterosexual life, which actually was not the lifestyle He was calling me, unbeknownst to me, because when He would stretch out His hands through someone to help me, I rejected it, out of fear.
This went on until I graduated high school in 2008. That summer, the battle within myself just got too much. Thoughts, dreams, felt like they would never end. So I was like “God, I’m not doing this anymore, maybe when I’m 25, then I’ll get married have kids, and do the whole ‘Christian’ thing.” So I did what was so eager in me to do, let go and live how i wanted to live. I also came out to my mom and step dad, which was really hard. But they never treated me any differently, they still loved me. For 8 months, I trashed myself. Before I turned 18 i was already out on the Hollywood streets looking for guys to be with. Young, old, it didn’t really matter, I craved attention from any guy. When I turned 18, I began to hit the gay club scene. For the first few times, I was so desperate for my lust that I would take the public transit out to Hollywood, and indulge every bit of the night away, with no real way home. I immediately became promiscuous, and I didn’t care. I forgot about Jesus Christ, I forgot that at any moment I could die and end up in a place eternally separated from Him. A few weeks after, I met a few guys who introduced me to gay bath houses. I was a regular ever since. He later introduced me to ecstasy, as clubs got more boring, I used that to fuel me. Because out of everything I was trying to fill myself up with, in the end, it didn’t matter. It was like drinking fresh water only to have a huge whole in your stomach and it pour right out. I was never filled, never satisfied, never obtaining what I wanted. I remember one night at this hugely popular gay club, standing on the second floor and looking down at everyone, and feeling so empty. Thinking “this is my life”, I was very depressed. Clubs were no longer filling me like they once had been.
I knew what I wanted, but I forgot what I needed, the love and mercy of a Father. There was on one occasion that I became broke, and so to fulfill my vain desire of a dream I had then, I decided to prostitute myself off to some random guy. I had hit a even sickening low. I was following my hearts desires and all it was returning me with were regrets, and more heartache then before. I didn’t really know where else to turn, so I kept drinking, kept clubbing, kept giving my body to strangers I didn’t even know. I was looking at times for a man to love me, but daily rejecting the only man who could ever love me the way I needed to be loved. I became ruthless to my parents, not caring about their authority, and just using them for money. I remember a time when after a late night fling I ended up walking down the street in Hollywood in the morning, drunk and vomiting; no money, no nothing to get me home, just messed up, regretting the night before. Though I said I would stop, I didn’t. Nothing could stop my lusts from just continuously taking over, even though i knew it would still leave me sad and insecure, and empty.
It was April 24, 2009 a Thursday, when I hit an all new low, and for once, a true high., As usual, I was going to go to L.A. to do what I usually do. I had met a guy I was interested in online and we decided to meet, I did this regularly. I went off to L.A., visited the usual bath house, and met up later on with that guy. We drove to his house and we were immediately all over each other. He then introduced me to what I thought was some sort of medicine he said was for his A.D.D., I found out later it was crystal meth. I started doing what I never normally did, I cursed and cursed, letting of all morality I still somewhat held onto. There were other men in the house who I was also throwing myself all over. I also began to vaguely mention that i had been a Christian, but wasn’t anymore because I liked guys. The guy I was with needed to leave, so i stayed until he was going to come back. It was now around 11:30 p.m. at night. When he came back, his composure was completely different. Different then when I had first met him earlier. He was in rush to get us to leave, with his persuasiveness, I left with him. The moment we walked outside of the door, he started to infer about my previous Christianity, I was shocked to the fact of why he would even bring it up, then he casually told me that I needed to “repent”– I was in some mad awe shock. Seriously. I couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth.
As we got into the car, he began to tell me how, when he left, for some reason there was a Bible in his car, and he began to read it, pray, and something told him to get me out of the house. I was real scared. For the next two hours, was constant yelling and screaming, him trying to explain to me, and tell me to give my life to Christ, and me fighting, confused and scared. While we we’re driving on the freeway towards Long Beach ( my step dad was a minister and I wanted to talk with him )- God really began to soften and call my heart, and I really began to think. The reality of the situation I was in, that I was living a life in direct disobedience to God, everything I was doing. And a fear of Him began to creep in. But I kept fighting against giving up my life to Him, I was scared and didn’t really know what was happening. The fact that I was on drugs was something that was also clinging in my head, and that the guy was too. But somehow I knew it didn’t matter, Christ started speaking to my heart and mind, either i was going to stop fighting, or I would never give my life to Him, my heart would be so hard that at 25, if i were still alive, I would be totally and completely depraved. With just a hope for hell. So I made the decision to finally let go, and believe in the call that was happening now, and the life He was offering. I cried out to God, the guy and I both, for forgiveness. And after, I experienced this incredible amount of peace within me heart, like a huge weight that had burdened me for so long was finally lifted, i felt truly alive. And I knew i was forgiven, I knew what God had just done in me, and I left the streets full of tears knowing that God was going to carry me through it all. Drugs were not going to be a factor.
A year and about 3 1/2 months later, by the grace of a great Father, I am here living my life for Him now. He began to show me what true love really is, and how deeply and preciously that was displayed for me on the cross. For all that I did, it didn’t matter how grotesque, there was forgiveness and redemption because of what Jesus Christ accomplished on the cross. He died for all the sins I committed against Him, and rose from the dead to give me strength to overcome them all. The power of a Mighty God is amazing. Through Him I am conquering over every thing that will separate me from Him and life He was called me to live. Its not some repetitive therapy or counseling I went to, just a the reality of a loving and faithful God in my life. He began to work in me and is continuing to work in me. I live my life firmly believing in Him, never letting go or looking to turn back to a messed up life. I began to realize that not only with the life I was living was I hurting myself, but ultimately Christ, who bore all my sin. I was hurting the and rebelling against the very God who gave me life and breath, who even though I am sinful, continues to feed me and care for me. I know this real love and I don’t need to seek out emptiness in another man, there is only one who could ever comfort and complete me, and that’s Christ. I can’t begin to tell you how much freedom I am experiencing, and true healing. My life belongs to Christ. I wanna dance for Him and praise Him all day long, and occasionally sing (LOL). With every gift He has given me.
This is a testimony to a true and living God who delivered me out of a lie, out of bondage, fear, and death. If He had not came for me that night…I know exactly where i would, either dead, or trying to drink water with a huge whole in my stomach at some gay club. I’m glad He came to my rescue, and the reality that He is rescuing so many other people from this life as well. Its amazing. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2C1:3)
It’s not a hetero life, but a holy one. “And you can take that to the bank”- lol. : )
I pray that this blesses, encourages, shed light to any and everyone. Also that if you have a testimony, you would
share with the world and be unashamed of what Christ has done and is doing in your life, and stand for truth in this world. Feel free to share this with the world.