My spirit is moving me to really share some things today and so here I sit in front of this computer prepared, or rather not prepared to bare my soul (so to speak). This will not be for the faint, weak or squeamish. If any of those apply, pray and then keep reading.
Open your mind and imagine yourself at the age of 6, 7, and/or 8 years old. At this time in your life you would be playing with toys and friends and watching cartoons. The things that you feared most were the boogey man or falling off your bike. The only pain you should have been experiencing was skinned knees, loosing a tooth, or (if you were a trouble maker) getting your butt torn up.
At the time in my life, I was afraid of the dark, or more so of what came after the dark. The pain that I felt was that of a grown man trying to enter my little body. I shudder still to think of the things that I was made to do. The times that it wasn’t only that man, but his company, too. Can you imagine how that messes with a child’s mind?? With their spirit?
Eventually this lapsed over into the daylight hours, too. And I found myself hurt, ashamed, and fearful of what would happen when anyone found out because I knew that I was a very bad little girl. And how I questioned God and why and how He would allow this to happen? I was afraid and as far as I was concerned, I was alone. There was no one that I could tell or run to for help even though there was lots of people around me. So I learned to keep my mouth shut.
Fast forward a few years to middle school. On a swimming trip where 2 boys thought it would be fun to hold me down and have their way (it’s still very painful to fully express these things, but I know you get my point) with me. And by that time, I had already learned to just be still, cry quietly, and wait for it to be over. The pain was far less that way.
Over the next however many years I would be accused of being loose, too friendly, pretty much a slut. When in reality I would cringe if you got too close. I trusted only a handful of people.
I have been battered and beaten, raped and violated, molested and neglected. But the worse, that absolute worse was that my spirit was broken to what I thought was an irreparable point. Little did I know.
I had my time of questioning God’s existence. Even decided for a while that He just didn’t exist and that if He did, He had long ago forgotten about me. That I had to have been an act in a strange circus or that God was an oversize bully with a magnet and I was the ant on the sidewalk. Pure torture.
I went through all the classic emotions. Guilt, shame, anger, depression. I even wanted to die at one point. I can remember sitting up and praying that I would just not wake up. That if He was there and listening, just end it. I’m tired and I don’t want to do this anymore. I was lonely and felt unloved and just like I was at the bottom of the barrel.
I tried alcohol, a few different types of drugs, and I even went to a completely different religion. Those of you that know me saw me, or at least saw the photos of me as a muslim. I have never felt more wrong or out of place in my life!!
I had my son when I was 19 and for a while I lived only for him. If not for him I would have stayed on these drunken binges, high moments or even a muslim. Because I just didn’t care about me. But I couldn’t bare leaving him alone in this world. Couldn’t (and still can’t) stand the thought of him having a life experience like mine.
And I finally gave up. After 27 years of life I finally gave in to my own spirit. It’s one thing when the body or the mind or even the heart is tired. But when the spirit is tired and spent all you can do is give in. And that’s what I did. I accepted the offer of going to church with some old friends. I have to tell you, I have never in my life come into the presence of God like that. I mean the atmosphere was full from the moment you walked in the door. It was amazing, I just knew that I was home, that I would be okay.
I listened to the music, listened to the pastor, I just sat and rocked back and forth as all words, sounds, emotions filled me up. And my tears spilled over. I found myself in the front on my knees crying out and praying. And I was full of the spirit. I am full of the spirit.
And I can look back now and say that I have not only been blessed, I have been divinely favoured. I have traveled such a long and painful road. But also a very rewarding one. I am still, and have always been to anyone that didn’t REALLY know, a very positive and cheerful person. I can look back on those experiences and be thankful.
I know some people think that I’m crazy for saying I’m thankful for abuse and for a broken spirit and hard life lessons. But I’m here to tell you, if not for those moments, those experiences, I would never have had the opportunity to SEE and experience God fixing and mending and healing me. I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I know that many times we find ourselves going through some very hard times. And we feel like our back is against the wall and there’s no way out. But I have found that in those times, God wants to pull us out. I had to learn to be still and let God show me who’s God.
Lord, I am so thankful to You for all of the many blessing you gave to me. I am in awe of your power and your mercy. I give you all the praise, honor and glory. Thank you for loving me in spite of me not loving You or myself. Thank you for never being so far away that you can’t hear me call. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I didn’t post this to hurt anyone’s feelings and that is why I left out names and places and dates. If you know the details (and there aren’t many that do) please be respectful and keep those things to yourself. My job is not to bring anyone else’s shortcoming to light. God knows I have plenty of my own. But I’m praying that something I’ve written will touch someone that reads this, that it will move you to examine your own life and take the steps you need to take to move closer to God.
I’m well on my way and you can’t imagine how wonderful it is to know that in spite of all the times I’ve turned my back on Him, He’s NEVER turned His back on me. The bible tells us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. In my darkest hours, He heard my cries and He brought me to this very spot that I’m in. And I am so, so, incredibly grateful and thankful.
There’s more to this story, but to save time, I gave the edited and shortened version. If you would like to really hear it, I don’t mind telling it. The spirit is moving me to share and talk and get this out. Feel free to talk to me, to ask me whatever you want to know. I will be honest as I can possibly be with you and answer as much as I can.
God bless whoever reads this…